Dude, Where's My Stake!
by BleachedMerc
Summary: Oh noes! Axel's a vampire and now Roxas is too! But love conquers all, right?


Late one night in the Castle of Nevermore in the World That Once Was But Could Never Be Again, Axel was roaming the halls in search of unopened doors to explore. After finding clothes on the spin cycle in the laundry room and a half-eaten ham sandwich in the kitchen, he eventually found a glowing door that appeared to be locked. He tried knocking to see if someone might be on the other side and could possibly allow him entrance, but no dice. Jiggling the knob didn't do much, either, and his lock picking kit apparently had fallen out of his pocket while he was distracted by that odd sandwich earlier. In any case, the only thing left to do was break down the door. But to do that, he would need a hammer and stake. Luckily, he always carried around a stake with him for emergencies and he saw a mallet in the laundry room that would do nicely for the occasion.

So after backtracking to pick up the mallet and finish off the rest of that strangely tantalizing ham sandwich, Axel was prepared to break down the door. However, to his annoyance, now his _stake_ was missing!

"Damn that irresistible sandwich," Axel cursed under his breath as he picked his teeth clean with what was left of his lock picking kit. He then licked his fingers to get every last bit of the delicious ham's essence and then proceeded to again backtrack towards the kitchen. After scouring the floor, through the cupboard, and in the fridge, Axel couldn't find hide nor tail of his missing stake. But he did find another sandwich, which he promptly devoured.

It was around the time Axel was licking the plate for spare breadcrumbs and ham brine that Roxas walked into the kitchen.

"Hey, Axel," he said while nonchalantly setting up an ironing board and a clothing basket beside it. "What're you up to?"

"Trying to track down my stake," Axel said while doing a bad job of fixing himself another sandwich. The ham didn't even touch the bread before it went plop into his mouth.

"We don't have any steak," Roxas replied while pulling his stuff out of the basket to get ironed.

"Not that kind of stake," Axel said while rummaging through the fridge to pull out the full ham. Not even bothering with the carving knife this time, he just opened his mouth big, his fangs glistening in the pale moonlight that shone through the windows, and gobbled the whole thing whole. "I'm looking for the stake I always carry with me for maintenance and stuff."

"Oh. Hmm, let me think about where I last saw it..." Roxas paused in ironing his cape to tap his chin but he just came up with a big blank. "Nope, don't think I've seen it anywhere."

Axel wanted to clarify that he had lost it somewhere between the kitchen and that mysterious door, but his mouth was too busy gnawing on a second ham to make much of a coherent syllable.

"You know, you really shouldn't be eating those hams," Roxas said pointedly while fluffing up his frilly, white cravat. He then paused to glance in the nearby mirror to check if it was on straight, but he had no reflection so that didn't work out well.

"Why's that?" Axel half snarfed.

"They have MSG," Roxas replied while tying on his cape and flapping it around a bit to check for any missed creases.

Axel nearly choked but then swallowed and continued gorging on the drug-laced ham. "No wonder I'm addicted!"

"Yeah."

"Ha, this stuff can kill ya, huh?"

"Yeah."

"Good thing I'm an immortal vampire."

"Yeah."

"So who made the first sandwich?"

"Probably Brittany's sister. You know we've got her locked up in the guest room."

Axel stopped chewing for a second. "Oh so _that's_ what's behind that glowing door!"

"Yeah," said Roxas. "She was a real hassle to shoo out of the kitchen, too. Kept conjuring all sorts of nasty stuff. She must really love those hams to be able to summon an endless supply of them from behind those powerful magical wards on the door."

"You could've warned me about the hams, you know." Axel was on his sixth ham and couldn't wait to feast on his seventh.

"Sorry, I was too focused on accessorizing," Roxas said while putting on some fancy gold necklaces and a brooch. "What do you think—bat medallion or bat crucifix?" Axel muttered something between bites that Roxas took to mean the medallion. "Good call."

It was around Axel's twelfth ham and Roxas's last ironed sock that a chunk of funky meat got lodged him Axel's wind pipe after he had traded off breathing for eating and the involuntary urge to inhale kicked in. While he was writhing around the floor trying to breathe and simultaneously hack up that piece of ham he managed to find the lock picking kit that had fallen out of the utility pouch that was sewn into his cape. But more importantly, he found the stake that had been dislodged from that same pouch. Thinking fast, Axel slid the stake and hammer towards Roxas. But he was too busy quaffing his white-streaked blond hair in a mirror that showed no reflection to help his choking chum. That's when there was a knock on the door and some bats flew to open it. Standing outside the main entrance was Roo, who was there to deliver a bushel of healthy, nutritious apples. He hopped into the kitchen with the apples and saw what needed to be done.

Roo took the instruments in hand, and placing the stake up against Axel's chest, hammered away and killed Axel instantly. But because of the whole vampire thing, Axel came back to life in a rejuvenated state. Now ham and MSG-free, Axel bounced back to his feet with a grin. He thanked Roo for his valiant deed, and as payment for both ending an eternity of ham-induced misery and bringing a delivery of fresh apples, Axel yanked the stake from his chest—which was really a Pooh Stick—and gave it to Roo. After sharing an apple with the others, Roo took the Pooh Stick and returned it to the Fellowship of the Pooh.

The end.


End file.
